What the hell is going on here? And what am I going to do about it?

I’ve never been a very healthy person.  I’ve been in great physical shape with a low BMI but I’ve never felt great.   Never.  Something has always hurt or I’ve been so tired I can barely stand it.  It wasn’t until I hit 40 that I actually acknowledged this.  I just ignored it and said to myself, “Suck it up, Mandi.  You’re good.”  For years and years I’ve read copious articles on health, nutrition, exercise and wellness.  I’ve been a group exercise instructor and personal trainer.  I’ve helped people lose weight and get stronger.  But on the inside, I’ve felt like crap and always seem to get some injury that sets me back.  About a year ago I started to really delve into why that might be happening.  Is it genetics?  Is it lifestyle?  Is it, god forbid, what I’m eating?  I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t smoke, and I don’t eat a ton of “junk” food.  I’m putting “junk” in parentheses because what I thought was okay, really wasn’t….but that’s for later.  Am I just getting older?  What the heck is wrong with me?

I don’t think I’m alone in this feeling.  I’ve started to pay closer attention for more than a year and I swear all people really talk about is health.  Yeah, they might start out talking about their kid’s soccer team or work, but it always gets back to health in some way.  What they are eating.  What new exercise fad they are embarking on.  What new prescription they are on for whatever ailment.  I would listen and listen and think, “Wow.  It’s not just me.”  But I wouldn’t address it most of the time.  Who am I to give advice?

About the same time that I started really admitting something wasn’t right with my health, I kept seeing all these ads for this “school.”  Again, I put this in parentheses because I just couldn’t believe what I was reading and that it was an actual school and not some fake hyped up scam.  For a whole year I would come back to it.  What the hell is this IIN – Institute for Integrative Nutrition?  Learn about whole health….real information that is unbiased and all encompassing?  It has to be fake.  Has to be.

My husband Brett and I were having a budget meeting for our stone engraving business and for the upcoming winter (our business is seasonal so it’s always a total crap shoot as to how the winter will go) and I brought up going to the school.  I had mentioned it to him before but only in passing and never for a real concrete option.  I didn’t dare.  What if he said, “go for it” and I was stuck really going ahead with it?  Too crazy and scary to think about.  But he didn’t say that.  He said, “let’s look into it and see if it makes sense for you.”  So we did.  And here I am.  Just starting week 6 of school and although I’m loving it, I’m also realizing that I’m even unhealthier than I imagined.

What does that mean, Mandi?  So ominous.   Well, let me back up just a bit.

As a child I was a really picky eater.  Some of that was just me and some of it was from the fact that my Mom never cooked.  I’m not kidding or exaggerating.  She hated cooking and avoided it at all costs.  She’ll even admit it.  I remember eating slim jims, deviled ham on white bread, McDonald’s regularly.  I wasn’t overweight but I clearly remember not having much energy.  Both of my parents were heavy smokers and led sedentary lives.   This isn’t an attack on my Mom and Dad.  I love them.  It’s just an explanation as to what I learned about food and health.  Not much.  My grand parents had a horse farm and although my Grandfather loved to farm and could grow literally anything, he didn’t like vegetables and my Grandmother wasn’t a huge fan either and they sold a lot of what they grew or gave it away I guess  instead of using it for themselves.  At least I don’t remember ever eating any vegetables except for holidays.   Nutrition, cooking and food were not part of what I learned.  What I did learn later on was strictly whatever fad diet was big at the time and what they were pushing at whatever gym I worked at.  Low fat, then low carb, super low calorie, weight watchers, atkins, zone….the list is endless.  And I jumped on every train because I was eager to learn and wanted to help my clients.  NONE of these diets ever worked long-term for any of them or me for that matter.  NEVER did I think it was the information that was wrong.  I just thought it was me.

Personally, I’ve never had a full-fledged eating disorder but my relationship with food has never been healthy.  There have been a few times in my life when I lost a considerable amount of weight (it doesn’t take much to show when you are five feet tall) and each time was so unhealthy.   The first time was when I had my tonsils out right before my sophomore year of high school.  I couldn’t eat for weeks due to an infection and considerable pain.  Oh the accolades I got about being so petite and had lots of attention for it.  It took awhile for the weight I had lost to come back but I remembered the feeling and worked hard to keep it off by eating practically nothing other than french fries and working out like a nut job.   The second time was in college.  I was working 3 jobs and had no money.  I wasn’t trying to lose weight.  I just wasn’t eating much and working out at least 3-4 hours a day.  I remember getting a box of Cheerios and being so pumped.  I ate like half the box in one sitting and thought “I’m good for awhile”.  I remember finding coins out of someone’s jeans (I worked at a dry cleaners) and buying peanut m&m’s at this little machine at the front of the store and thought, “well, peanuts are good.  Protein.”  I got really thin and had a doctor’s appointment where they were all alarmed and asking if I was faint.  I was really anemic.  I was tired, yeah, but I was taking 5 classes, working 3 jobs, working out a ton, eating not much unless you count the cheerios and m&m’s and sleeping next to no hours a night.  Of course I was tired.  I got another job that made more money and had some food money so I gained some weight and didn’t think about it much more.   The next time was when I was planning our wedding.  I got really intense with my work outs (probably some of this was because I wasn’t teaching at the time) and I ate not a whole lot.  A big meal was a small salad.  I would occasionally have some chicken or an egg.  I started to get massive head aches.  It got so bad that I went to the doctor.  They said it was probably stress and I was anemic (again) which could be a contributing factor.  Never did they ask about my diet.  Which I now think is strange but not so strange once you learn how little the average doctor actually knows about eating healthy.  I’m not sure what my BMI was the day of my wedding, but it had to be unhealthily low.  Everyone told me how great I looked.  I felt ugly.  Sometime at the end of the honeymoon my headaches subsided.  I now know that it is because I ate.  I also gained 10 pounds on that trip.  There wasn’t a day that went by in my whole adult life that I haven’t thought long and hard about food.  Not one.   I think I always knew I needed to eat and eat something healthy.  But I just didn’t know what that really meant.  So a lot of times it was so overwhelming that I just ate nothing thinking that was easier and smarter really.  Better to eat nothing than to eat the wr0ng thing.   And then days later I would devour all the wrong things because my body was starving for nutrients.

It feels really good to admit all of that.  Now, what am I going to do about it?

I know what I’m not going to do.  I’m not going to pretend (like I always have) that everything is just fine and I can get by on exercise alone.  It just doesn’t work.  I’m 20 pounds over weight, achy, tired and fed up so clearly that doesn’t work.   My two boys are great athletes who are falling into all the same traps I have.  I can’t let that happen.  No way.  The problem is that there is just so much information out there.  How does anyone know what is the right way to eat?  Who the heck do you listen to?  Your doctor?  The USDA?  A Registered Dietician?  I had done all those things and gotten nowhere really.  Plus every year they tell you something different.   One way of eating for everyone.  That has never made sense to me at all.  I started paying attention to people who are not over weight, achy, tired and riddled with injuries.  What I found is that they all eat and exercise differently except for one thing.  They don’t eat processed food, they have a way to cope with stress and they have learned to listen to their bodies.  Sounds simple.  Not exactly.  Some are vegans while other eat Paleo.  Some follow a 80/20 way of eating clean.  The main thing I got from my research is that while they feel food is important, it’s not all encompassing.  They keep it simple and don’t stress about it.    After all these years of NOT doing that, how can I change and more importantly, how can I teach my boys ?  And possibly teach others?

That’s where IIN comes into play.  Oddly enough, throughout the year of schooling I will learn over 100 dietetic theories and have already learned about this concept of bio-individuality.  There is no one “diet” for everyone.  Each person is different and should eat what works for them overall.   This idea of bio-individuality fell right in line with what I had already learned just talking to successfully healthy people on my own.   There is no one expert on what or how people should eat.  And just because something works for me right now does not mean it will be best forever and it definitely doesn’t mean it will be best for everyone.  Here’s the challenge about realizing this: Isn’t it a little overwhelming to not have someone just tell you what you should eat, how you should eat it, what supplements to take and how to exercise?  Yes.  But isn’t it more overwhelming to have someone tell you all those things and then it doesn’t work for you?  I would say even more so.   The cool thing is that all those things you just want someone like a doctor to tell you is something you can figure out for yourself with a little guidance and some patience.   I’m excited to learn that.  I’m also excited to share what I learn.

What I’ve learned so far is that I can help people who are willing to be helped.  But first I have to help myself and my family.  I will share as I learn.  Oh, and I’m the expert on me.  And that cooking can be fun.  It’s the cleaning up that sucks.

This is probably going to be the longest blog post I ever do.   I know it’s a lot to read.  But I feel like if I’d like to be Health Coach and guide people to feeling good then that means I need them to share with me.  And I don’t think it’s very fair to ask them to do that without sharing myself.   Everyone has a story and they are all important.

Next blog — how to make small changes that make a big difference.

Live like you mean it,

Mandi