Hide and Seek with Myself

I was out walking the other day and realized something. I’m back! It just popped into my head over and over again. I wasn’t sure what that phrase was all about. Then I got a text from a client and he called me Coach. And that’s when I got it. My passion used to be teaching fitness and I knew exactly who I was and what I was all about. Then life happened and I got lost.

While I was at UNH I taught group exercise from step class to aquacize to strength training. I worked at 3 different gyms at the time and loved every minute of it. I also worked with people individually and set them up with work out plans and did personal training. I studied Communication at UNH and it was such a broad major that you could really take in any direction. I dabbled in interpersonal communication, media studies, advertising, rhetoric…you name it. But I didn’t LOVE any of it. I LOVED training people and helping them. I considered switching majors my junior year to athletic training but thought it was too late and decided to just stay in Communication.

When I graduated in 1995 a lot had gone on in my personal life. I had ended a long relationship and started a new one that was really intense right away. Brett and I had been really close friends all through college and so when we started dating things moved really fast. Not in a bad way at all. It was natural. But because I was young, in love and totally broke I didn’t really think about who I was and what was important to me. I only thought about Brett and my life with him. I had to get a “real” job and make some money. And I had literally no goals or any idea of what I wanted to do. I just looked in the paper and took the first job I could find that was OK pay and really close to our new apartment in Exeter. I didn’t love that job or hate it. I just tolerated it and really didn’t think about it much. I really only paid attention to my relationship with Brett. I kind of got lost.

Brett and I got married in 1996 when I was 23. We were best friends and still are today. I don’t think he knew that I was lost. Not really. I didn’t even really know. I ate practically nothing leading up to the wedding and worked out like crazy. I felt like crap all the time including on my wedding day. I didn’t even feel pretty. I look back at those pictures and think, “Aw, look at me… I was cute and didn’t feel cute. How sad.” And after we got back from our honeymoon it was really strange. I think I got depressed because the build up to the wedding was so huge for me that I never had really thought about the “after.” All this time and energy had gone into planning the event and starving myself that I didn’t give it a second thought and it was a very weird feeling. I was even more lost.

Years went by and I didn’t even think that much about fitness other than that I needed to do some but got so depressed about my own body I couldn’t imagine helping others with theirs. I had never really been over weight and was just getting heavier and heavier. I tried everything to be thin and nothing worked long term. So I just pushed on with life and got a better job (better in that it made more money) and we bought our first house. Then I got pregnant. The old Mandi that was in there somewhere got lost even further. I now thought about myself in 2 ways: Wife and Mom. That’s it. And those are great, amazing roles. But that is not all there is. It’s not all that I am but at the time it was. I didn’t recognize that fact. Years would go by and I still didn’t. Not until the other day.

By 2003 I had a 17 month old and a newborn. Brett and I owned Elmore Lettering which is our stone engraving business. I would do the office work and Brett would go out in the field. We moved to Brentwood, NH even though we couldn’t really afford it, because we wanted a great school district for our boys. I just went through the motions of life and every once in a while I would think about that faint glimmer of me that was trapped way deep down not even really knowing I was lost.

Flash forward to 2009. Our youngest son, Logan, got really sick. None of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with him. He had a fever that would come and go. He was so fatigued he couldn’t get out of bed some days. He hurt all over and we couldn’t even touch him. He would cry and cry. I suspected lyme disease but the doctors kept saying it couldn’t be. After months of tests and pain he was diagnosed with lyme disease. As the years passed and Logan started fighting this disease he went through many obstacles which left me as a Mom just totally devastated. Remember, at the time I really only viewed myself in 2 ways: Wife and Mom. Wife went on the back burner (sorry Brett) and I was only Mom. After about a year of not sleeping or eating much my body kind of broke down. Working out was not even on my radar because I could barely get through the day. I decided to do something about it. I realized I was no good to Logan or anyone if I was like this. But I still didn’t know I was lost. I started therapy, yoga and journaling to work on stress management and get better. But I didn’t do this as Mandi. I did it as Mom. And that wasn’t enough in the long run.

2013. The boys are 12 and almost 11. Brett has found his passion for coaching baseball. I’m so happy for him and have worked with him to start realizing his dream. Over the many years we talked about “What are you going to do, Mandi?” And I just put it off and put it off. I had valid reasons too: “I work for our business. The boys need me. Logan is sick and really needs me. And now you need my help getting your coaching business off the ground.” Honestly, I just didn’t know what I was supposed to do other than what I was already doing. Then I decided to go back to school because in the end I really like working for myself and I’m sick of feeling crappy. Articles I had read from The Institute of Integrative Nutrition (IIN) really resonated with me and made me start to think about me again. Not in a selfish way though which I think is why I got lost in the first place. I felt like I had to be absolutely selfless to be a good wife or mom. I realized that I just love people. And the people who are closest to me I give them everything I have. The problem is that I gave everything and kept nothing for myself. The real Mandi was gone for a long time.

It’s 2014 and I’m back. I would never change my life from 1996 to 2014. It was important to live it the way I did so that now I can focus on why I’m really here and what I’m supposed to do. The more I talk to people I realize how many are lost too. And if they want to change that I’d love to help them. As I’m getting back into fitness training I’m focusing on overall health and wellness. As I work on my studies it’s very obvious to me that there is just so much confusing information out there and people are confused as to what is right for them. I wondered the same thing even with the knowledge I already had. It’s not a simple task to take on and it can be scary.

The first and most important thing to get started with is learning how to exercise consistently so that it is just part of your daily life. With everyone being so crazy busy that is tough. I started a 2 month Challenge that incorporates just 4 daily exercises with 4 days of 30 minutes of movement of the participant’s choice. That way they can have a say as to what kind of cardio they do and when which seems pretty realistic to me. Everyone was measured at the beginning of the Challenge and will be at the end to see their progress. I decided not to run a weight loss challenge since I don’t really agree with them. I like the focus of healthy and strong vs. skinny. It’s less threatening and healthier in my opinion on so many levels. I’ve got 17 clients in this Challenge and they are doing so great! It warms my heart to be leading them in the right direction and I’m really excited to see how they react to their progress. But the funny thing is that they were leading me somewhere and I didn’t even know it. They led me to me. And for that I’ll always be grateful.